Imposter Syndrome, Squeezin' MFers Dry, and The Bait + Switch Called Freebies
Why "giving value" feels like such a ruse these days
Freebies are an elaborate ruse created by our founding fathers of filth(y, dirty sales tactics).
I h-a-t-e exposing you to this stuff - Warning: guru propaganda - but click… Just click that link (it’s a blog post on Instapage), for 45 seconds, scroll through the post, and really take in wtf we’re being told is ‘how it’s done,’ because this is where it all went wrong for us.
What is a Squeeze Page? (that's the blog post headline)
A squeeze page (also known as a capture page) is a type of landing page designed to capture email addresses from potential subscribers in exchange for something valuable, like discounts, free ebooks, whitepapers, or reports.
-Fahad Muhammad
Wait. What kind of page? Landing? Capture? Squeeze? 🤷🏼♀️ If I was hungry, this would be a tasty word salad, but I’m not, I’m hangry so I wanna punch this question in the balls.
Uh, better question, Fahad. Why are we ‘squeezing’ people??!
Is that what business + selling is - ‘squeezing’ people?
Do we wear it like a badge of honor, or do we put it at the bottom of our website with all the other certification badges?
Gold Certified = 10,000 people squeezed
Black Diamond Certified = 1,000,000 people squeezed
What? I want to be clear on what this ‘squeezing’ is all about. 🙋♀️
Is this what we brag about when friends ask us how business is going?
Fan-freakin’-tastic! I’m just living the dream + squeezin’ MFers for everything they got; you’d be proud. And hey, if you ever wanna learn some trade secrets, let me know. I’m a black widow, 14x certified, the best all-around champion, and the current ‘Hardest Squeezer Of The Year” title holder. They call me The Juicer; I’m just squeezin‘em + squeezin’em until their bone dry.
- ME (in this nightmare)
Or is it just a euphemism for what's figuratively done to a “lead’s” self-worth as they’re forced into choices, down funnels, and through grandmother’s house of products, programs, and services we go?
I have a theory.
‘Squeezing’ has been rebranded more times than Robert Downey Jr.
Splash Page
Lead Page
Capture Page
Landing Page
Opt-In Page
👆 This is one of my favorites, btw. **my sarcastic imitation of the moment the orders were given, in a mob boss voice** We wanna give the people consent, Joey; that’s what they keep barkin’ on about, so let’s call it an opt-in page. Now they have a choice to get the emails… the only choice… but it’s a choice. They’ll be happy! And, hopefully, that’ll be enough for them to shuuuut up and enjoy “the value” they’re getting. Capiche? 😉
Microsite
👆 This one’s great too. Now, it’s the whole site, huh? Just “squeeze’em,’ baby! Fuck the forplay (which, for the record, I’m all for when done WITH CONSENTING ADULTS). Just get’em to take the gift, and ‘the love machine’ will do the rest.
Nice try, but…
Each one of these spit-shines is just another (valiant or not?) attempt to make it ok to lure people in with a ‘gift’, then relentlessly sell them shit they don’t need, without their consent, using persuasive, manipulative, dishonest tactics, until they either 1.) relent + buy, and keep buying, or 2.) leave. And, I mean leave, because you mighta just meant “leave most of it for now, but test the waters again with me in, ummm, say 6 months to a year when I probably forget how repelled I am by you.” They gotta check, just in case, right? 🙄 We’ve all gotten those emails from the ghost of unsubscribes past.
I love how Fahad (the author) even goes so far as to try to explain the difference between a squeeze page + a landing page.
Good one, bro!
I can see how splitting hairs down to a guru’s ingrown ass hair could make this make sense, but let’s cut the shit.
Scroll back up for 👆HIS OWN definition👆 of a squeeze page… I mean, landing page… I mean, capture page… and tell me how any of this mumbo-jumbo makes sense?
So let me get this straight; we’re supposed to give our intellectual property away to every Tom, Dick, and Harriet on the internet, freely, like tester sprays of perfume at the department store, because it fosters some kind of know, like, and trust factor that makes them want to buy our shit?
Lies!
THE INDOCTRINATION:
THEM: Here’s a really cool thing that’s going to help you do this huge thing you’ve always wanted to do. I want you to have it because I live in abundance, and I want you to have what I have. You’ll be off on your way in less than 15 minutes…
US: **in my very nurturing, PTO mom voice** Oh, thank you; that’s so sweet. Of course, here’s my email. I can’t believe you would share stuff like this with me!
THEM … 15 minutes later…: OVERLOAD, OVERLOAD, OVERLOAD them… with “value”... because as long as we’re giving, it’s ok for us to keep ‘squeezing’. It’s fair. Look how much we’re giving?
THEM: Deploy operation persuasion (email sequence no. 1)… oh, oh, oh, they’re not engaging, hit them with a shot of manipulation (email sequence no.2)… let’s see… GOT’EM! We’re back, let’s squeeze their ass through (email sequence no. 3) before they tried to take off again (email sequence no. 4).
… and the vicious cycle goes on + on until you escape into the clutches of imposter syndrome… or a whole new ‘squeeze.’
You can call it a “scratch the cat’s ass page,” but it’s all the same - a front for the biggest misdirect in the online business industry.
Freebies are nothing but homework assignments THAT DESTROY PEOPLE.
I know it hurts, but look at every freebie you’ve ever created.
I bet at least 85% were really time-consuming, soul-sucking, imposter-triggering homework assignments – for you + your kindreds.
5 Ways to Blah Your Blahblabbity
The 10 Things I Did That 500x’d My Blahbbers
How To Get All Your BlahBlah’s Done in 30 Seconds
The 250 Blahizzles To Send To Your Blahrinis
For YOU, it’s 100’s of unpaid hours getting the PDF… or checklist… or webinar… or whatever…. just right.
Homework assignments, on top of homework assignments, most of which are a whole learning curves on their own…
How to create a PDF.
How to layout the PDF.
How to write all the content.
How to tie the PDF to your offer.
How to design the cover page.
Where to upload the PDF.
How to deliver it through email.
How to keep it up to date.
That’s how ONE measly freebie can consume your life for months! Now multiply that by every homework assignment freebie you’ve created… and now you can see how you’ve lost so much time on shit that got you nowhere.
If that’s not disheartening enough…
We also have to accept what we’ve unknowingly done to our kindreds, each time we pummeled them with a freebie.
For YOUR KINDREDS, it’s weeks + months trying to get something done that they aren’t in the right headspace to do.
It’s not just the homework assignment you knew you gave them, but it’s all the hidden ones you didn’t realize were there too.
Your Freebie = The 250 Blahizzles To Send To Your Blahrinis, includes all kinds of homework…
How to find Blahrinis to send shit too.
How to figure out who my Blahrinis are.
How to setup all the tech to send shit.
How to create a freebie to lure them in.
How to write the content x 250.
How to use AI to speed up the process.
How to climb out of a black hole when you realize you have nothing you need to send even ONE Blahizzle to even ONE Blahrini, despite “working on it” for the last 14 months.
I know we didn’t mean to do this, but we need to reconcile that we have (some of us for a very long time 👋)… so we can forgive ourselves and move forward doing things in healthy, honest, humane ways that give rather than take… or ‘squeeze.’
TRUTH: Freebies never worked.
It’s all the disgusting shit that happens after the email is handed over that drives sales for our founding fathers of filth(y, dirty sales tactics) – it’s not the “value” that they want us to believe.
All freebies have done is kept us distracted, trying to figure out something, unfigureoutable — how to sell to people who we’ve repeatedly taken consent away from + treated like an ATM.
You’ve heard that echo chamber of horse shit, right? Our inbox is an ATM.🙄
Drive right up, cash out what you need, when you need it. It’s right there to pull from whenever the hell you want. It just spits out money (when you do it our way - a.k.a ‘squeezing’em, baby!)
It’s no wonder we treat our inboxes the way we do.
Email marketing is for people who are comfortable making money ‘squeezing’ the life outta their customers.
We’re never going to be able to make that predatory shit work for us.
We’re burnt out + contemplating if success is even possible because we’re TWO DECADES into freebies homework assignments that have destroyed us.
It’s time to retire the 50 shades of freebies and repair our relationships with ourselves, our kindreds, and our inboxes.
FACT: Freebies don’t turn people into die-hard kindreds + paying customers; connection + perspective does.
When you focus on sharing your perspective + building relationships (rather than accruing a list of leads to monetize), you can skip the “squeezin’em with a freebie” step!
❌ You don’t have to spend 100’s of unpaid hours creating free shit (no one asked for).
❌ You don’t have to assign homework.
❌ You don’t have to stretch consent in ways that feel criminal.
❌ You don’t have to monetize human beings.
❌ You don’t have to accrue 1000’s + 1000’s of leads.
❌ You don’t have to write emails that force Koolaid down throats.
❌ You don’t have to rely on manipulation, deception, and persuasion.
The difference between email marketing + a newsletter is more than just intent. It’s an entirely different experience – one that’s laced with simplicity, honesty, and heart.
It’s time to take back our emails!
A newsletter isn’t a “squeeze.” It’s an invitation to hear YOUR perspective on what’s going on.
It’s you evolving + experimenting in real time and giving your kindreds the permission to do the same.
Your kindreds want you to change their mind (a.k.a. share your perspective), not try to control it (a.k.a. “squeeze’em”).
They want you to help them change the way they think about shit — the way you changed YOURS to be able to accomplish what you have.
They aren’t leads; they’re people just like YOU, who are in the same cesspool of lies, deception, and magic pills that you are, trying to accomplish the same things you have (or are on your way to doing) without destroying themselves.
They want to know what you’re thinking! They want to know every thought… idea… fear… rant… source of confusion that’s pinging + ponging inside of you. They want to know they aren’t wrong for thinking this same exact shit.
Perspectives GIVE to people… truly give… and those don’t cost 100’s of unpaid hours to share.
You can save a lotta souls (yours included) when you start baring yours.
I’ve been freebie free (minus my Brand DNA Test) for 2 years now, and there’s something I’m finally ready to do.
I’m ready to do this feel good paid community/newsletter thang on MY terms…
I’m ready to sell in a way that feels good…
I’m ready to be so honest that every guru rolls over in their Lamborgini…
I’m ready to make YOU wanna give YOUR inbox another chance…
I’m ready to start this “hot dog cart” era of life + business!
No ick.
No sales emails.
No panic emails.
No trilogy of cart-closing emails.
No look how amazing I am emails – even though I am pretty damn amazing.
No 3-part free video series emails.
No extra emails of any kind.
Just my usual 2 emails a week, laced with perspectives that are searing into my soul + acart-sized initiative that feels like the most honest thing I’ve ever done in my business.
How do you think it’s going to go? Are you scared or excited for me?
I’m nervous AF, but I’m also working really diligently to detach from the results + stay focused on what really matters to me right now, which is owning the fuck outta my “hot dog cart” aspirations.
To never having to create another freebie IN YOUR LIFE (let’s all say it together…. byyyyyyeee, bitch!),
Dre ‘The Mob Boss Of Reason’ Beltrami
P.S. I don't know why 👆 but I think it says a lot that THIS is what I feel like doing when I think about taking a selfie. Wait. Does this mean I'm ordinary or batshit crazy??
I built two “freebies” over the last few years. Both of them were an add-on to something else. As far as I know, about negative 13 people actually used them.
What I want to do instead is build some sort of interactive quest that we can all play together. My brain is chewing on the how-to of it while I do dumb stuff like go to work.